No rainbows here tonight

This afternoon I was home by 4 and in my pajamas by 4:10. I’ve been so tired lately, which I think is mostly attributed to the awful heat and humidity we’ve been dealing with here in the valley. And for just the second time in my life, I’ve been having trouble falling and staying asleep. When I do sleep, I end up having awful dreams about loved ones dying mysteriously, or all my teeth falling out or unstable staircases. Yes, I often have nightmares about staircases. Shut up, I’m special.

You’d think being home and in comfortable clothing so early in the evening would be rather exciting, but somehow it turned into the Longest Night Ever. How does that happen? Some days at work all I can think about is how much I’d love to have eight to nine hours straight in which to just lie around and relax , and then when it happens? Boresville.

Other than make dinner, I’ve pretty much done exactly nothing. I made a pesto pasta dish with bell peppers, tomatoes, peas and chicken sausage which turned out tasty enough but would have been better with some parmesan cheese. I’m usually stocked up on parmesan, but forgot that after the recent power outages in our area I had to toss everything in the fridge and I haven’t replaced everything yet. Actually, the contents of my refrigerator right now would probably impress my doctor. Grapes, strawberries, lowfat milk, orange juice, eggs, whole-wheat bread, fresh vegetables. Lots of healthy stuff, and no junk except some sugar-free popsicles. There’s no junk food in this apartment at all, which is probably why I’ve felt ravenous for the past few days. It’s weird -- there’s tons of great, healthy food right at my fingertips, but it’s never what I want.

That’s kind of where my life is right now. A big storm hit out of the blue, and after sitting in the dark for a few days I had to throw out all of the old stuff and start over. And even though I’ve replaced it all with healthier options, I’m having trouble figuring out how to put it all together so I end up just throwing a bunch of stuff in a pot and hoping for the best.

And yeah, it’s better for me. Yes, it’s providing sustenance and strength and nutrition for the future. But sometimes a girl just wants a donut, you know?

I’ve been on my own for about 10 months now, and while I can say with certainty that my life is so much better in a lot of ways (you wouldn’t believe how many blessings I’ve received), this separation and divorce is hands-down the most difficult thing I’ve ever been through. I wasn’t supposed to be here, because 10 months ago I honestly believed everything would work out and life would return to a better version of normal before summer arrived. Pffft. Life, man. It has a funny way of knocking you flat on your butt when you most want to stand.

Wow. I’m such a downer tonight! Sorry about that. I really am doing ok. It’s been a weird couple of weeks. My job required a lot of extra hours during the power outages and it’s been difficult to get back into a routine and as I mentioned, my sleep schedule is way out of whack. So I’m tired, it’s hot, it’s been storming, and I’m finally accepting my reality as a newly single gal in a small town. I’m keeping my chin up -- and again, I really am doing very well -- but I know that there are going to be periods of loneliness and sadness and I just need to accept it, feel it, and keep moving forward. I guess that’s what’s happening right now.

Writing does help, and if you’ve kept reading to this point I give you my thanks. It hasn’t exactly been a cheerful post.

Brighter days are ahead. I know this. I just wish I knew when they were going to arrive.