Gone Greene!

Soother

It's not a donut.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But it'll do.

No rainbows here tonight

This afternoon I was home by 4 and in my pajamas by 4:10. I’ve been so tired lately, which I think is mostly attributed to the awful heat and humidity we’ve been dealing with here in the valley. And for just the second time in my life, I’ve been having trouble falling and staying asleep. When I do sleep, I end up having awful dreams about loved ones dying mysteriously, or all my teeth falling out or unstable staircases. Yes, I often have nightmares about staircases. Shut up, I’m special.

You’d think being home and in comfortable clothing so early in the evening would be rather exciting, but somehow it turned into the Longest Night Ever. How does that happen? Some days at work all I can think about is how much I’d love to have eight to nine hours straight in which to just lie around and relax , and then when it happens? Boresville.

Other than make dinner, I’ve pretty much done exactly nothing. I made a pesto pasta dish with bell peppers, tomatoes, peas and chicken sausage which turned out tasty enough but would have been better with some parmesan cheese. I’m usually stocked up on parmesan, but forgot that after the recent power outages in our area I had to toss everything in the fridge and I haven’t replaced everything yet. Actually, the contents of my refrigerator right now would probably impress my doctor. Grapes, strawberries, lowfat milk, orange juice, eggs, whole-wheat bread, fresh vegetables. Lots of healthy stuff, and no junk except some sugar-free popsicles. There’s no junk food in this apartment at all, which is probably why I’ve felt ravenous for the past few days. It’s weird -- there’s tons of great, healthy food right at my fingertips, but it’s never what I want.

That’s kind of where my life is right now. A big storm hit out of the blue, and after sitting in the dark for a few days I had to throw out all of the old stuff and start over. And even though I’ve replaced it all with healthier options, I’m having trouble figuring out how to put it all together so I end up just throwing a bunch of stuff in a pot and hoping for the best.

And yeah, it’s better for me. Yes, it’s providing sustenance and strength and nutrition for the future. But sometimes a girl just wants a donut, you know?

I’ve been on my own for about 10 months now, and while I can say with certainty that my life is so much better in a lot of ways (you wouldn’t believe how many blessings I’ve received), this separation and divorce is hands-down the most difficult thing I’ve ever been through. I wasn’t supposed to be here, because 10 months ago I honestly believed everything would work out and life would return to a better version of normal before summer arrived. Pffft. Life, man. It has a funny way of knocking you flat on your butt when you most want to stand.

Wow. I’m such a downer tonight! Sorry about that. I really am doing ok. It’s been a weird couple of weeks. My job required a lot of extra hours during the power outages and it’s been difficult to get back into a routine and as I mentioned, my sleep schedule is way out of whack. So I’m tired, it’s hot, it’s been storming, and I’m finally accepting my reality as a newly single gal in a small town. I’m keeping my chin up -- and again, I really am doing very well -- but I know that there are going to be periods of loneliness and sadness and I just need to accept it, feel it, and keep moving forward. I guess that’s what’s happening right now.

Writing does help, and if you’ve kept reading to this point I give you my thanks. It hasn’t exactly been a cheerful post.

Brighter days are ahead. I know this. I just wish I knew when they were going to arrive.

So ...

Yeah. It's been a while.

And some things have changed.

Most of you know that things with my marriage had been rocky for some time, and that Steve and I decided to take some time apart to try to work things out. I'm going to skip over everything in between and just go ahead and say that ... we didn't.

It's really that simple ... except, well ok, it's not simple at all. It's complicated in many ways, and quite frankly, it  sucks big sweaty donkey balls.

That's really all I'm going to say about it. I am fine, Steve is fine, and we're navigating the to-do lists and proceedings and all that in a very friendly and amicable manner. You might say we're even being adults about it, or at least as adult as two heartbroken people can be in such a situation. I won't say that there aren't days when I feel like flinging myself to the floor and having a nice big tantrum, but thankfully those moments are rare these days.

But really, I'm doing ok. I have a wonderful support system in my family, friends, church and co-workers. I have a great job, a nice little apartment, and lots of things to keep me busy. I didn't think I'd ever be in this situation (really, who does?) but now that most of the really difficult things are behind me I can say that my life now is more joyful than sad. I'm really grateful for that.

I hope now that things have settled some that I'll be able to spend more time here. For some reason a lot of you seem to really like reading my blatherings and who am I to deny you such enjoyment? I've decided to keep the blog name the same (though I did briefly consider switching to Went Greene just for kicks), but I'll be changing the header. At some point. It took me for-freaking-ever to figure out how to make that first one so don't get too excited as it will probably take another eon to remember how I did it and make another.

So that's what's been happening in my life. How you doin'?

I'm still here

The cobwebs were starting to get a little thick around here, and since the three people who actually read this blog (hi mom and Denise and Lori!) asked me when I was going to start writing again, I thought I'd pop in and make an update. I hope you aren't expecting anything profound or thought-provoking because it's getting late and I just cleaned my bathroom and am now all hopped up on cleanser fumes.

• There are few things in this world as wonderful as the healing power of friendship. I went back to my hometown Saturday and spent the evening with my best girls, two people who came into my life during one of it's darkest times and have been with me ever since. We ate, we drank, we laughed, we said inappropriate things and shared some truths. Anytime I put nearly 100 miles on my car and stay out so late I have to crash in someone's guest bed is a good time indeed. The night was topped off with a midnight trip to Huddle House, which was enough to make me feel like I was in college again. My soul SO needed that.

• Today I saw a man on a motorcycle who was so hunched over his knees touched his ears. Time for a bigger bike, there, Ponch.

• I went for a run this evening. I know, I know, hold your applause. There's a cemetery down the street that turned out to be quite a nice spot for running. Or jogging, really. I'm pretty slow. But it's ok! The people there don't judge. They're just jealous that I can still move.

• Did I tell you I joined the choir at my church? I'm the youngest member by a good 20 years, but I LOVE it. I could sit all evening and listen to those ladies (and one fella) talk and laugh and argue with each other. They're all so sweet and funny -- I feel like I have grandparents again.

• My beautiful friend Staci set up an Etsy shop for her exquisite artwork. Check it out -- and I dare you to not be jealous of her talent.  She's making me want to like birds -- and that is no small feat.

• It's 9:30 p.m. and my neighbor is mowing grass.  I live in the loudest place on earth.

• It's finally spring. The trees have bloomed, the air is warm, and my heart is happy. Can't ask for much more right now.

Until next time ...

A thousand what?

Ok, so everybody begins a New Year vowing to lose weight and become healthier within the next 365 days, right?

 

Well maybe not everybody, but judging from the magazine covers, news articles and already crowded parking lots at all the local gyms, I'm guessing that this is a top resolution for a whole lot of somebodies.

 

You can add my name to that list. I went to the doctor today, friends, and you know that most cringeworthy of moments when they lead you back into the examining area and ask you to step on the scale? It was even cringeworthier than cringeworthy. It was worse than cringeworthier. It was cringeworthiest. I almost expected the scale to shoot off some confetti and maybe spit out a banner reading "Happy New Year! Now get off your lazy butt!"

 

No banner. Just dread. Am I the only one who thinks it highly unfair that our new year begins just as winter is starting to get bad? Who wants to get out there and exercise when the sun sets at 5 p.m. and the wind is blowing so hard that your nose icicles sway back and forth? It's hibernation time, man! Exercise? I'd rather be sleeping. And eating, thankyouverymuch.

 

But it is not to be. You see, I've decided to make 2012 my year. Do you hear that, world? MY YEAR. And that means I'm going to have to do some work, starting with my health. I want to start running again (ok even I had to laugh at that because what I did two summers ago was more like slow jogging), and a friend of mine recently issued a 1,000 mile challenge for the new year. I have signed up to run or walk one thousand miles in 2012 with Neighborhood Workouts LLC.

 

 

And yes, I will fully admit to not realizing that means nearly three miles per day until after I signed up. I am not quick with math.

 

So that's one way I'm starting off this new year. It's already January 3 and I haven't logged any miles yet (holidays plus nasty weather) but I'm planning on starting soon, as the temperature is supposed to climb into the 50s later this week. I hate to be starting off a little behind, but I think I'll be able to catch up this weekend. And fortunately, it's a competition. I'm able to see how the other participants are doing. I like winning, folks. I like winning A LOT.

 

Wish me luck?

Auld Lang Syne

Whew. Thank goodness that’s over.

I’m not going to talk about just how badly 2011 kicked my butt. It’s quite sufficient to say that it did, indeed, kick me harder than was necessary, and the fact that there are only six hours left has me already breathing a little easier. When midnight comes I’m going to open my mouth and GULP in the freshness of the new year. I’m going to suck in so much air I’ll probably hyperventilate in my eagerness to expel the stale air and inhale the new.

This seems to have been a difficult year for a lot of people, and I pray that they, too, will find relief from their heartaches and struggles in 2012. I’m looking forward to a year of health and happiness, and hopefully a few personal triumphs. I’m going to devote more time to friends and family, and less time on the people and things that don’t matter. And I’m going to keep on counting my blessings, because despite the crappy year I was handed, I still have so much for which to be thankful.

Happy New Year, y’all. May it be your best.

Compassion from a canine

For my 15th birthday, one of my girlfriends somehow convinced my mom to let her give me a cat to replace the one that had run away/died/joined the circus or whatever. His name was Oscar and while he was adorable, he was generally a pain in the ass. If his litter box wasn't cleaned to his liking, he would lie in front of it and meow until it was. If he was hungry at 3 a.m., he would pounce onto your bed in the dark and paw at your face until you fed him. During the summer, he liked to stay outside all night ... or at least until he decided he wanted back in, and then he would stand underneath your window and howl he was let back in. This cat would jiggle the handle on the toilet, begging for you to flush it so he could watch the water swirl.

I loved that stinkin' cat, and up until a few years ago I considered him the neediest animal I'd ever known.

But I was wrong. Oh, was I wrong.

This is my dog, Waylon. Yes, she's a girl with a boy's name. But it SO fits her, you see, because all she ever does is WAIL.

Should have named her Wailin'.

Are Beagles bred to be narcissitic? Because when this dog is around people, she demands all attention. She wants to be looked at, talked to, petted and fed at all times. No matter how hard we've tried to convince her that she's not a lap dog, she simply won't listen. If you have hands or a lap, she expects a cuddle.

She accompanied me on the trip to my parents' house for Thanksgiving, and she never. left. my. side. If I went out to get the mail or newspaper, she stood at the door, scratching and whining until I came back. If I tried to use the bathroom, she'd nose her way in. Sitting down? Ha. Not unless I wanted a 20-pound blanket.

She's also a bed hog.

But I've noticed something about animals, or at least the two that have been my primary pets. They have this ability to sense when something's not right. We've all heard stories of the pets who can smell cancer or wake an entire family before their house falls in on them, and these stories fascinate me. I totally believe them.

Thankfully I've never experienced anything that dramatic. My pets have just been able to sense when I'm upset or going through a difficult time. As a teenager lying facedown on my bed, sobbing about the utter unfairness of the entire world (as teen girls are wont to do), Oscar would lie next to me and touch my face with his paw, and sit with me until I felt better.

Waylon is the same way. She's always been clingy, but it was amplified this week and there was just something different in her eyes. Like she was concerned. About someone other than herself.

A Thanksgiving miracle!

I have been going through a tough time lately, but knowing that I not only have SO MANY humans who care, but also an animal? Pretty cool.

Even if she does hog the bed.

Broken Hearted

My heart hurts for the world tonight.

In the past few weeks I've heard about so many children who have passed away suddenly, gone missing, been bullied into suicide, or sexually abused.

Have we gone mad?

We've got to make it stop. We can't keep hurting people -- especially the most innocent and defenseless among us -- like this.

Something has to change.

 

Muffled

Continuing with the gratefulness theme this month, today I'm thankful for urgent care clinics. I am one of those people who doesn't get sick often, but when I do, it's something crazy or mysterious or just ridiculously annoying.

My current ailment falls into the annoying category. Back in May, I was giving a presentation at a local school for work and started feeling really tired, then lightheaded/dizzy, then nauseated, and then my right ear decided to close up. I was diagnosed with eustachian tube dysfunction, given some prescription nasal spray and an antibiotic and sent on my way. I started feeling better within two days. There were a few days since then that my ear felt a little wonky, but a few squirts of the nasal spray usually cleared it right up.

Last Monday, I experienced quite a bit of sinus discomfort (probably because the weather here can't make up its mind -- hot then cold then really cold, then hot again) and the same ear clogged again -- and clogged up so well that I've been having trouble hearing. I haven't had any nausea and just a tiny bit of dizziness, but the hearing thing is bugging the crap out of me. I do ok if I'm in a room by myself, like if I'm watching TV or talking with another person. But put me in a room full of people and can barely stand it. The quiet roar is unsettling, and I'm unable to hear the person sitting next to me. Plus there's a quiet ringing sound. Have I mentioned that it's annoying?

I tried everything I could think of to get it to go away. I've shot so much nasal spray up my nose that I've probably annhilated several brain cells. Sinus meds didn't work. Mucous relief pills didn't work. I tried ibuprofen to try to relieve any inflammation. I bought the saline rinse and shot salt water into my sinus cavities (I would have used a neti pot, if Walmart had had one in stock. Stupid Walmart). I've blown my nose dry. Nothing worked.

So today I admitted defeat and went to the local urgent care facility. The staff there saw me quickly and set me up with a prescription for an antibiotic (this time it's a sinus infection). I experienced a bit of sticker shock at the pharmacy when they informed me the prescription nasal spray was $110 (I'm enrolled in an unusual health insurance program that carries a really high deductible). I mean, really? One hundred and ten dollars to spray some junk up my nose? Stuff that I can get over the counter for a few dollars? Fortunately I had some of the said nasal spray left over from my previous bout, so I told the pharmacy to keep it. One hundred and ten dollars! For NASAL SPRAY! Health care reform, anyone?

Anyway. I realize this post is probably a snooze-fest. But it's late, and I'm trying to finish out NaBloPoMo as best as I can since I missed last week. I'm grateful for health care clinics that are open after work hours, and am hoping that when I wake up in the morning I will be able to hear again.

Good night. 

My girls

You never know who God will place in your path.

These girls? Are some of the best.

(Me, Leann, Erin, October 2010)

(Ashlee and me on her wedding day, August 2010)

Ashlee is my oldest friend. We go way back -- back so far that I can't remember a time in my life when I didn't know her. She is sweet, bubbly, fun and strong -- emotionally, mentally and physically. She picked up the front end of a car with her bare hands once, and even though she says she didn't we saw it and to this day remain highly impressed. Ashlee and I share the same tastes in music, we were in each other's weddings, and share some pretty awesome and hilarious growing-up memories. I love her.

Erin and Leann came into my life during a time I needed them the most. I can't write about them individually because they come as a pair -- a duo of snark, hilarity and straight-shooting conversation that is a breath of fresh air in a stale, stuffy world. With these girls I laugh until I choke, and have the freedom of discussing topics that would make your mama blush. They each have two w0nderfully adorable children who also make me laugh because they act just like their mamas. I love them.

Yesterday was really rough for me. I was tired and drained from last week's funeral activities, and dealing with some other difficult things that are happening right now. It's amazing how much a phone call or a few simple Tweets can brighten your day and change your mood. I went to bed happier and calmer because of these beautiful friends, and I'm so thankful to have them in my life.

I just need to convince them to move closer!